The Thursday List, Episode 6 (Late Edition)

"Chromeskull: Laid to Rest 2" (2011)

This is an impressive film, technically. Specifically, the makeup and effects of this film are impressive, mightily impressive. Unfortunately, saying that about a movie is rather like going to a concert and coming saying "Well, the seats were comfortable." Style is no substitute for substance, and this film was style heavy and substance poor. The script made little sense, but most of the actors managed well with what they had. All told, it wasn't really bad, though if it hadn't been for the special effects it would've been a bit below average. Recommended for fans of gore effects, not quite so for general viewers.

 "Scream of the Banshee" (2011)

When "SyFy presents" appeared at the opening, my heart sank a bit. As the movie progressed, my heart sank even more. The more the actors, brave men and women all, struggled against the bland and plodding script, the more they themselves sank into the SyFy swamp, an awful and hideous place wherein mediocrity and cheapness rule with a plastic fist (rather poorly painted to look like iron from a distance). It was obvious they knew as well as I that there was only one way for it to go, and in the end, we all went down together. At least they got paid for their time and energy, and it's still far and away and worlds better than Neighbor. Unless you want to make a drinking game out of watching it or you have a crush on Lauren Holly, this film is: Not recommended.

"The Omega Man" (1971)

This is an example of films that have aged about as well as Dorian Gray at the end of his story. The themes of Matheson's original 1954 novel, I Am Legend, are sweeping and universal, and it seems they were reduced down and twisted a bit to suit the cultural vogues of the beginning of the 1970s. They're clumsily handled in the script, and so instead of having an impact and encouraging you think it just preaches at you. The non-message parts of the film, on the other hand, are quite good. Heston's in great form and has some really good scenes, as does Rosalind Cash. It could have been better, but despite the ham-fisted handling of some of the themes and the near-comical 1970s-ness of it, it really is a slightly above average film, except for the ending. Oy vey. "The Omega Man" is worth watching, but don't go out of your way or be in a hurry to. Matheson's novel, though, should be required reading.

What has been seen cannot be unseen.

You really have seen it all before. Seriously, you have. What's more is that what you saw before, the film released twenty-nine years ago and of the same name and premise, was better, even if you saw it edited for television, in black and white, and with the sound off.

“The Thing” (2011)

directed by Matthijs van Heijningen, Jr.

written by Eric Heisserer and Ronald D. Moore

starring Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Joel Edgerton, Ulrich Thomsen, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, Eric Christian Olsen, Jørgen Langhelle, Trond Espen Seim, Stig Henrik Hoff, Carsten Bjørnlund, Jan Gunnar Røise, Paul Braunnstein

How is it?

I'm biased. How biased am I? Check this out, and then read on. [pause] Okay... now I'll set aside my abiding respect and adoration of the 1982 masterpiece, and we will proceed.

So how is it?

It's just manages to reach the level of an average horror movie, and truth be told, that's being a little bit generous. What is lacks in suspense, atmosphere, cinematography, and dialogue it more than makes up for in lack of audience investment, predictability, and in computer-generated gore and fire effects. It moves in fits and starts, really only gets traction for one scene, and the rest of the time is altogether unsteady. Alas, it's the usual culprit, (attempted) spectacle over substance. In a word: hollow. (I'm not a fan of the "average" horror movie.)

The Players

It isn't an ensemble piece, but it's not really a vehicle for anyone in particular either, except maybe Joel Edgerton and Jørgen Langhelle. The actors all do what they can with what can't be called anything other than a very weak script, and that's unfortunate. The characters were all cardboard cutouts for the genre, up to an especially including Mary Elizabeth Winstead as Ripley, er- Dr. Kate Lloyd and Ulrich Thomsen as Ash the android medical officer, er- the diabolical but Euro-cool medical officer.

The only two that seem even remotely sympathetic and/or not plain old story devices are Edgerton as Macready, er- Sam Carter the chopper pilot and Langhelle as Clark, er- Lars the station dog keeper. Well... okay, three. Hoff as Peder, the station commander's XO, did stand out. These three managed to come out on top, and good on'em.

Behind the Camera

I'll start with the good...ish. That'd be the special effects... or most of them. During production and up until today the word has been they really favored practical effects and used digital to enhance, trying to keep close to the totally non-digital effects of the Carpenter film. Maybe it's a testament to the effects department's skill that I couldn't tell there were many practical, non-CG effects at all in the film. Some were obviously physical, and some had me wondering. The downside is they were awfully over-the-top, very Resident Evil, seeming far more for shock than for scare, and they looked rather raw, like they weren't really finished. Then there was the CG fire. Oy vey. All that CG fire. Yikes. Now on to the ugh portion of this review.

By and large, the direction and cinematography simply didn't do anything for the film except telegraph what was coming next and actually be a bit boring. Rather than usher a sense of claustrophobia and imminent dread, it just looked rather... well, meh, like it was just kind of there. I seriously doubt Heijningen will be given another $38 million to make another movie, let alone a get his mitts on a legendary franchise. Despite his ardent fandom and devotion to Carpenter's classic, his homage prequel didn't work.

The script was just kind of there as well. There's not much to say about it other than like much of the rest of the film it seemed very flat, impersonal, and paint-by-numbers. It's so disappointing because of what the producers and director claim to have been trying to do, what act they were attempting to follow. It really could and ought have been much better. There aren't excuses other than incompetence, not caring, or too many writers. It felt like they came up with a bunch of "cool moments" and "cool scenes" and worked out how to string them together. Honestly, I doubt that's what it was, but it's what it felt like watching it. I think they copied the 1982 film. Maybe that's what we get when you get a script approved and then before filming totally rewrite it, which was what happened to The Thing. There is a lesson there, Hollywood. Take it.

The Verdict

This didn't seem much like a prequel. It felt like one of those new-fangled "re-imaginings" Hollywood seems so keen on these days. It had a few interesting, even exciting moments, but they were few enough and far enough between to render the whole thing just on the lowest edge of average. It simply never gelled. If you've seen the trailer, there are no surprises for you in it at all.

Wait for it to hit the dollar theaters, cable/satellite, or streaming video. If then.

There are no "happy campers" in horror movies.

A group of seemingly mismatched friends head off to The Middle of Nowhere, Australia to find some 12,000 year old Aboriginal paintings on the side of a mountain... where many decades before one of the friends' ancestors apparently murdered everyone on his expedition to the same place. What could possibly go wrong?

“Primal” (2009)

directed by Josh Reed

written by Nigel Christensen and Josh Reed

starring Zoe Tuckwell-Smith, Krew Boylan, Wil Traval, Lindsay Farris, and

Damien Freeleagus

How Is It?

It's unsteady, but it manages deliver some creepiness. That said, when it's not got the creepiness going on you really notice its weakness. This is not uncommon in horror, of course, which is all the more unfortunate for such an interesting premise.

The Players

“Primal” is an ensemble piece, and the actors do alright, considering a fair amount of what they had to work with from the script ranged from inconsistent to downright puzzling. Whereas some actors are tempted to play things up a bit in such situations, the film's cast sells everything straight. Their playing it honest allows viewers to take the action on screen seriously – or as seriously as possible.

Wil Traval and Damien Freeleagus deserve honorable mentions. Whether it's how their characters were written or their commitment to them, they steal the show when they're on-screen.

Behind the Camera

The writing is what brings “Primal” down several notches. It's not much polished, and some of the inconsistencies in the script, in some of the characterizations in particular, are just boggling. (If you watch it, keep an eye on Chad and Kris. Oy vey.) There are some awkward turns and odd pacing in the script, and it came across almost like attempts to pad the film. While an interesting premise and having some good segments, overall the script is too rocky.

Truth be told, the pre-titles segment is the best directed of the film. That's something of a knock, but the opening sets the tone for the rest of it. It's a really good opening bit, and it did get my hopes up. Unfortunately the rest of the film didn't match it... or even come anywhere close. Again, inconsistency stalls “Primal”. It goes from traditional cinematography to Shaky-Cam here and there, and that's jarring. The audio levels are used for dramatic effect, of course. However, the lows are sometimes awfully low and the highs are irritatingly high. Rather than serving to ratchet up tension and give us a scare or to lend atmosphere and dread, these visual and audial inconsistencies become interruptions that break the suspension of disbelief.

The Verdict

An promising premise and effective scenes here and there can't save the film. It's a bit too long and has too many inconsistencies, both in the script and the execution, putting it slightly below-average.

It's rentable, but I'd recommend watching it cheaper, either on tv or streaming online